This is a delayed entry of what went down last week:
I feel like I have two very separate and both equally wonderful and fulfilling lives going on right now: one in Mexico and one in the U.S. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, to be honest. Nor am I sure how it will influence my future when I return. What will I do with this? Is it just going to be a chapter in life's past? Or will it change my future path for my career, life-goals, etc...? I don't know and I can't predict it. Therefore, I pray about it and place those anxieties in God's hands...except for the occassional attack of scruples.
I love living with a host family. I find it incredibly enriching, consoling, and am learning a lot about living in Mexico and my Spanish is improving. My dad gave me a lesson at our house in the puebla of Miacatlan two days ago and that was fun. It is also fun to be surrounded (literally: upstairs, downstairs, next door, down the street) by family. family family family...kids kids kids...so much life and I love it! It makes me wonder how I ever lived alone and how I could ever live alone again.
School is also going well. I don't really like my groups and families SOCW class because it is boring and I am not really learning anything. I knew that would happen if I chose this degree, but I am trying to think about the end result, and that some classes are just a means to an end (grad school, the VA, policy, a livelihood, my own family, etc). However, I like our Mexico history class, and this week, we also took a field trip to visit the Guadalupan nuns! Yay! It was incredibly interesting to go visit a convent here (beautiful grounds and something in common with the Italian convent: beautiful roses! my favorite!). More interesting was learning about he significance and prevalence of the Virgin of Guadalupe in Mexican culture, especially amongst the marginalized (poor, sick, and indigenous). It was fascinating to hear the controversy over how the appearances actually played out (whether the Church manipulated the indigenous or whether the indigenous manipulated the Church), the significance of the actual appearance of Mary to the indigenous, and how powerful/prominent she remains through all ranks of society today in Mexico. Since I have a great spiritual-emotional investment in and a particularly influential relationship with Mary, this is something I find very interesting here.
What else...oh, salsa classes! Yes, fabulous! This week though was pretty amazing...and more proof that I have some amazing angels with me here in Mexico. Why is God so good to me? Anyway, I went to class alone (my dance buddies were busy), but it worked out great! I was paired with the other instuctor, which is good because I can learn more. The only bad thing, was that the strap on my shoe broke when I was dancing, but luckily I always have a hair tie with me...so, I wrapped it around my foot and shoe, and it actually worked quite well! :D hahaha! As I was standing outside calling a cab after the lesson, my teacher walked by and asked if I wanted a ride to the center. Ok! So in the car he was telling me I should go to the store and return my shoes, that he would go with me this week, and also invited me to a salsa event in D.F. for the past Saturday, and to his birthday party in April! Better yet, he was driving to another site to teach another class, so invited me to attend. No one else showed up, so I got a free drink and a private lesson for free! It is just fun to have the opportunity to meet and develop relationships (however temporary they might be) with interesting and genuine people here! I was ecstatic when I finally went home on Thursday night. One of those: "are you serious? did that just happen?" moments! I love my life in Mexico...except for the occassional and apparently unpreventable attack of illness which soon followed.
I became violently and suddenly ill on Friday. I don't really know what happened either. In the morning during classes I just became more and more weak, faint and feverish. Then I started throwing up too. I thought if I slept I might have felt better, but I didn't. Luckily, there's a taxi-driver in my family who took me to the doctor, waited with me, helped me cross the street because I was so weak and in pain, and took me to the pharmacy and home again. My family was really wonderful about it too. They watched me and tried to feed me (even though what I could eat didn't stay down!) and my mom prayed over me and gave me natural therapy. They reassured me "I know it's hard to be sick and away from home..that you just want your mom and that it's scary...But we are your family now and if you need anything, tell us." I have never slept so much in a 24-hour period in my life. Saturday I was ok enough (as in I had stopped puking and could actually walk for more than a minute) to go to Miacatlan, but still couldn't eat much and slept a lot!
Sunday was better. My friend invited me to go with him and a cousin to a soccer game and to a Radiohead concert earlier in the week. He came to Miacatlan to pick me up Sunday morning. I am not 100% better, but I am least functional. We had so much fun in Mexico City too! It was a very authentic Mexico experience going to a futbol game, eating at a little family restaurant, and then concerting with the rowdies at night! We weren't partying, and knew I was sick so my friend was being really careful of me which was actually quite endearing! Like I said...I have some pretty incredible angels working for me. Fine, I will just confess that really, he is my novio, um we're dating. Which, to be honest, I have struggled with immensely. We met through one of my friends and one of his cousins. I am incredibly suspicious of anyone who appears interested in me, and even more so here. But, weeks past, I spent some time with him, and we just get along really well and enjoy being with one another. I am impressed with how well he treats me, his sincerity, integrity, and diligence. I fought and fought, not wanting to be involved with anyone (in general, but especially here), but it was kind of unavoidable. And we've talked about it a lot to: how precarious the future is and how it is really hard for me to even consider being a good friend with anyone here because I know I am going to leave in 2 months. But, I figure that we, as human beings, are gifts to one another. And as such, we are meant to love each other as part of God's plan for us. I guess as long as this is life-giving for both of us, it can't be a bad thing. I just have qualms because it kind of gives me crazy thoughts about the future (and all the plans I have/thought I had?) and also, I have scruples over spending time with "some guy" rather than volunteering or something like that. I guess things happen for a reason, and as novio told me, "just be patient and you will see: good things will come."
This too, adds to the difficulty of having two lives at one time. I really don't think it will be possible for him and I to keep up when I come home, so does that make it pointless to be together now? Somehow, I think not. As you know though, I am hesitant about ANY sort of dating relationship though. At the very least, I feel I have found a very kind and wonderful friend here. He has been a great gift to my life and experiences in the past couple weeks. On Wednesday, he planned a surprise and took me to a park to go play on the tree-swings! How could he have guessed that I would love that? Swings are my favorite! This week we met to walk (because we both enjoy this) and sporadically ended up at an ice cream shop. Who would of thought that there would be cheese ice-cream. And really, it is cheesy. It didn't taste bad, I just prefer cheese as cheese and ice-cream as ice-cream.
I am overly-busy in a different manner than I am used to: I don't feel stretched-thin, I feel like my self, my heart, my life is overflowing. For once, it is kind of full of good things, which also freaks me out because I'm not really used to feeling this happy! Like I said though, with that over-stuffed feeling comes a different sort of sadness, as I know that I can't keep up with two lives, that I am short-changing my life at home right now by being so far away and so busy here.
Also, it makes me wonder if I will ever just see my path clearly, see myself living one life instead of a series of different lives through the medium of one body. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to express is that I feel like my life thus far has been a series of different phases or "lives" where huge, incredible, sometimes good and sometimes incredibly sad and challenging life experiences have just followed one after another. Which is why I feel like I'm 30 years old sometimes. I don't forsake any of it, but I do kind of find it exhausting. Is it just life thus far? part of being ages 0-20 yrs, or will it continue forever?
Part of me longs for something steady and secure, not necessarily predictable, but a state of being that I can actually live out for more than a few months or a year at a time. I don't always want to be going through phases of metamorphosis, or at least not at the degree that I have been thus far. I don't really want to be shedding a skin to pick up and "try-on" a new one. I want to just have one that is genuine, comfortable, and perfectly inhabitable for me to keep forever. My faith is my continuity, and that will always remain. I think someday I will be able to make some sense of all of this, but right now, I can either despise the ambiguity, or embrace it. I choose to embrace it. That, by the way, is a feature of Mexican culture I have learned: accepting and living in ambiguity and amongst contradiction. hmm...
I hope you are enjoying this strange, magnificent, and sometimes downright excruciating stories. Sometimes I don't enjoy living them out, but then I remember that everything happens for a reason, that God is with me through it all, teaching me, encouraging me, showing me how to love and live authentically. And somehow, I continue to wake up, breathe in, and keep on keepin' on. Really, it's quite miraculous, if you can just appreciate life for what it IS.
Peace, aly
I feel like I have two very separate and both equally wonderful and fulfilling lives going on right now: one in Mexico and one in the U.S. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, to be honest. Nor am I sure how it will influence my future when I return. What will I do with this? Is it just going to be a chapter in life's past? Or will it change my future path for my career, life-goals, etc...? I don't know and I can't predict it. Therefore, I pray about it and place those anxieties in God's hands...except for the occassional attack of scruples.
I love living with a host family. I find it incredibly enriching, consoling, and am learning a lot about living in Mexico and my Spanish is improving. My dad gave me a lesson at our house in the puebla of Miacatlan two days ago and that was fun. It is also fun to be surrounded (literally: upstairs, downstairs, next door, down the street) by family. family family family...kids kids kids...so much life and I love it! It makes me wonder how I ever lived alone and how I could ever live alone again.
School is also going well. I don't really like my groups and families SOCW class because it is boring and I am not really learning anything. I knew that would happen if I chose this degree, but I am trying to think about the end result, and that some classes are just a means to an end (grad school, the VA, policy, a livelihood, my own family, etc). However, I like our Mexico history class, and this week, we also took a field trip to visit the Guadalupan nuns! Yay! It was incredibly interesting to go visit a convent here (beautiful grounds and something in common with the Italian convent: beautiful roses! my favorite!). More interesting was learning about he significance and prevalence of the Virgin of Guadalupe in Mexican culture, especially amongst the marginalized (poor, sick, and indigenous). It was fascinating to hear the controversy over how the appearances actually played out (whether the Church manipulated the indigenous or whether the indigenous manipulated the Church), the significance of the actual appearance of Mary to the indigenous, and how powerful/prominent she remains through all ranks of society today in Mexico. Since I have a great spiritual-emotional investment in and a particularly influential relationship with Mary, this is something I find very interesting here.
What else...oh, salsa classes! Yes, fabulous! This week though was pretty amazing...and more proof that I have some amazing angels with me here in Mexico. Why is God so good to me? Anyway, I went to class alone (my dance buddies were busy), but it worked out great! I was paired with the other instuctor, which is good because I can learn more. The only bad thing, was that the strap on my shoe broke when I was dancing, but luckily I always have a hair tie with me...so, I wrapped it around my foot and shoe, and it actually worked quite well! :D hahaha! As I was standing outside calling a cab after the lesson, my teacher walked by and asked if I wanted a ride to the center. Ok! So in the car he was telling me I should go to the store and return my shoes, that he would go with me this week, and also invited me to a salsa event in D.F. for the past Saturday, and to his birthday party in April! Better yet, he was driving to another site to teach another class, so invited me to attend. No one else showed up, so I got a free drink and a private lesson for free! It is just fun to have the opportunity to meet and develop relationships (however temporary they might be) with interesting and genuine people here! I was ecstatic when I finally went home on Thursday night. One of those: "are you serious? did that just happen?" moments! I love my life in Mexico...except for the occassional and apparently unpreventable attack of illness which soon followed.
I became violently and suddenly ill on Friday. I don't really know what happened either. In the morning during classes I just became more and more weak, faint and feverish. Then I started throwing up too. I thought if I slept I might have felt better, but I didn't. Luckily, there's a taxi-driver in my family who took me to the doctor, waited with me, helped me cross the street because I was so weak and in pain, and took me to the pharmacy and home again. My family was really wonderful about it too. They watched me and tried to feed me (even though what I could eat didn't stay down!) and my mom prayed over me and gave me natural therapy. They reassured me "I know it's hard to be sick and away from home..that you just want your mom and that it's scary...But we are your family now and if you need anything, tell us." I have never slept so much in a 24-hour period in my life. Saturday I was ok enough (as in I had stopped puking and could actually walk for more than a minute) to go to Miacatlan, but still couldn't eat much and slept a lot!
Sunday was better. My friend invited me to go with him and a cousin to a soccer game and to a Radiohead concert earlier in the week. He came to Miacatlan to pick me up Sunday morning. I am not 100% better, but I am least functional. We had so much fun in Mexico City too! It was a very authentic Mexico experience going to a futbol game, eating at a little family restaurant, and then concerting with the rowdies at night! We weren't partying, and knew I was sick so my friend was being really careful of me which was actually quite endearing! Like I said...I have some pretty incredible angels working for me. Fine, I will just confess that really, he is my novio, um we're dating. Which, to be honest, I have struggled with immensely. We met through one of my friends and one of his cousins. I am incredibly suspicious of anyone who appears interested in me, and even more so here. But, weeks past, I spent some time with him, and we just get along really well and enjoy being with one another. I am impressed with how well he treats me, his sincerity, integrity, and diligence. I fought and fought, not wanting to be involved with anyone (in general, but especially here), but it was kind of unavoidable. And we've talked about it a lot to: how precarious the future is and how it is really hard for me to even consider being a good friend with anyone here because I know I am going to leave in 2 months. But, I figure that we, as human beings, are gifts to one another. And as such, we are meant to love each other as part of God's plan for us. I guess as long as this is life-giving for both of us, it can't be a bad thing. I just have qualms because it kind of gives me crazy thoughts about the future (and all the plans I have/thought I had?) and also, I have scruples over spending time with "some guy" rather than volunteering or something like that. I guess things happen for a reason, and as novio told me, "just be patient and you will see: good things will come."
This too, adds to the difficulty of having two lives at one time. I really don't think it will be possible for him and I to keep up when I come home, so does that make it pointless to be together now? Somehow, I think not. As you know though, I am hesitant about ANY sort of dating relationship though. At the very least, I feel I have found a very kind and wonderful friend here. He has been a great gift to my life and experiences in the past couple weeks. On Wednesday, he planned a surprise and took me to a park to go play on the tree-swings! How could he have guessed that I would love that? Swings are my favorite! This week we met to walk (because we both enjoy this) and sporadically ended up at an ice cream shop. Who would of thought that there would be cheese ice-cream. And really, it is cheesy. It didn't taste bad, I just prefer cheese as cheese and ice-cream as ice-cream.
I am overly-busy in a different manner than I am used to: I don't feel stretched-thin, I feel like my self, my heart, my life is overflowing. For once, it is kind of full of good things, which also freaks me out because I'm not really used to feeling this happy! Like I said though, with that over-stuffed feeling comes a different sort of sadness, as I know that I can't keep up with two lives, that I am short-changing my life at home right now by being so far away and so busy here.
Also, it makes me wonder if I will ever just see my path clearly, see myself living one life instead of a series of different lives through the medium of one body. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to express is that I feel like my life thus far has been a series of different phases or "lives" where huge, incredible, sometimes good and sometimes incredibly sad and challenging life experiences have just followed one after another. Which is why I feel like I'm 30 years old sometimes. I don't forsake any of it, but I do kind of find it exhausting. Is it just life thus far? part of being ages 0-20 yrs, or will it continue forever?
Part of me longs for something steady and secure, not necessarily predictable, but a state of being that I can actually live out for more than a few months or a year at a time. I don't always want to be going through phases of metamorphosis, or at least not at the degree that I have been thus far. I don't really want to be shedding a skin to pick up and "try-on" a new one. I want to just have one that is genuine, comfortable, and perfectly inhabitable for me to keep forever. My faith is my continuity, and that will always remain. I think someday I will be able to make some sense of all of this, but right now, I can either despise the ambiguity, or embrace it. I choose to embrace it. That, by the way, is a feature of Mexican culture I have learned: accepting and living in ambiguity and amongst contradiction. hmm...
I hope you are enjoying this strange, magnificent, and sometimes downright excruciating stories. Sometimes I don't enjoy living them out, but then I remember that everything happens for a reason, that God is with me through it all, teaching me, encouraging me, showing me how to love and live authentically. And somehow, I continue to wake up, breathe in, and keep on keepin' on. Really, it's quite miraculous, if you can just appreciate life for what it IS.
Peace, aly
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